New Journeys

Days ago I retired from a full-time job in mental health administration.  I found that my body and soul were asking that I take a risk and make a change in my life.  No matter how much I meditated, no matter the type or number of anti-depressants I took, and no matter how much I tried to cope with the anxieties and stresses of managing the highly complex and demanding responsibilities of my job which primarily dealt with government contract compliance – I was failing!  I had trouble sleeping at night.  I was not happy, even with all of the wonders that life was offering.  We had a little bit more than “enough” money, but I wasn’t enough.  I convinced myself that if I were truly a good Buddhist I could cope with any circumstance.  I compared my stresses to others – I thought that my stresses were insignificant compared to those who are dealing with life threatening illnesses or whose families are being torn apart.  I finally realized – with the help of my Sangha- that I needed to change my situation.  I realized that no matter how much guilt or shame, I needed to change my environment to change myself.  That was a really difficult realization, but it was true.  I was in an environment that triggered my history which ultimately triggered my anxieties, worries, fears, and shame.

It is too early to tell if this is the path I “should” be on… but it sure feels better today.  Thank you Buddha, thank you Dharma, thank you Sangha.